In the last issue of “Mental Health Minute,” I discussed the topic and challenge of talking directly with people. Today, I’m asking you to consider how to improve your listening skills.
In a world with so much noise constantly inundating our ears, one of the things that’s easy to do is “tune out” in order to keep our brains from being overloaded by trying to pay attention to all of it. For some people, noise is so pervasive that they must have some kind of sound going all the time. Silence feels intolerable.
Since there is so much background noise in our lives, it’s important that we practice attuning to, and focusing on, the sounds that we really do need to hear.
There is a meditation exercise that specifically helps you to focus in and be present in the moment: At some point in your day, whether in the forest, living room, shower, or wherever, take a few minutes to consciously focus on three specific sounds. Exactly three sounds. Intently zone in on just those three sounds, allowing all other noises to fade into the background. If you practice this enough, you will hopefully notice heightened concentration, as well as an improved ability to stay grounded, regulate your stress, and remain present.
Improving our ability to listen to others is also a significant benefit and goal of this practice.
How well do you listen? You may have one opinion about that, while someone in your life may see it differently.
You may be familiar with the tools for active listening. As a reminder, active listening involves:
- Removing distractions
- Maintaining eye contact
- Giving cues that you’re listening (eg: nodding, smiling, and saying “Uh-huh” or something to show you’re following the conversation)
- Avoiding judgement
- Allowing them to finish without interrupting, or formulating your responses in your mind, while they are talking
- Clarifying and confirming what you’ve heard by paraphrasing their statements back to them
- Asking questions if you have not understood or have misheard what they’ve said
Truly hearing what people are saying to you is one of the most important things you can do to show someone that you care about them and that they are important. You don’t have to agree with, fix, or necessarily even act on what you’re hearing (unless that’s part of the conversation). Just listen.
Now let’s consider how to hear things from others when they are expressing concerns about you, saying something you disagree with, or are asking you to do something that you don’t want, or see the need, to do.
There is a psychological and communication/team-building tool that I’d like to share with you. It’s called the JoHari Window, created in 1955 by Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham. It is useful for building self-awareness and personal growth, as well as team building. I also use it as a reference when thinking about personal boundaries.
As you’ll see below, the model identifies four areas. Along the top of the grid are the “open area” and “blind spot.” Along the left side of the grid are the “open area” and “hidden area.” Then we have the “unknown” box.
Let’s consider how to use this model.
You’ll notice that the “open area” window touches both “things I know about me” and “things others know about me” descriptions. I can increase the size of this window by sharing. In my professional world, this box would be fairly small. It’s not appropriate for me to be disclosing very personal or private information with my clients. As a result, at work or in other situations in which I choose not to disclose information openly, the “hidden area,” which only touches the side of “things I know about me,” would be larger. Conversely, with my family and friends, the “open area” box might be expanded, while the “hidden area” is reduced.
The “unknown” area touches neither side of the grid. It’s something that neither I nor you know about. How much resides in a person’s “unknown” box, I believe, is tied to how many traumatic experiences one has had. This box can be addressed, but it usually takes deep personal work.
Now look at the “blind spot” box. As you see, it touches on the description of “things others know about me,” but not “what I know about me.” This is the area I’m asking you to consider when thinking about how willing you are to hear feedback from others, or listen to things about which you may be unaware. Things that you are blind to.
Your blind area may have to do with something as benign as having food in your teeth. You don’t know it until someone tells you, or the mirror gives you that feedback. Until you get some kind of external information, you will blindly engage in conversations with a big glob of spinach in your teeth. Having someone tell you is helpful, and usually very welcome.
We can also be blind to things that others notice, but we have difficulty hearing their observations. Depending on who it is and the kind of relationship, we may have an easier or harder time allowing in their feedback. I can tell you that, if there is something problematic going on and you cannot hear input from those closest to you, the problem will typically get worse until the external messages either get repeatedly louder, include more people, or possibly include those in a position of authority.
There are numerous examples of situations in which we may be in denial about something and struggle to accept feedback and requests for change. I’ve discussed several of them before, and you likely have your own.
What I would like you to take from this article is how important it is to listen. Listen to the easy things, the boring things, the new things, and the same-old same-old. And also work on listening to the things that are hard to hear.
I said earlier that listening to someone is one of the most powerful ways to show you care. I think it’s doubly true when you have the willingness and courage to hear things they see, but you don’t. You honor each other by having that level of honest, loving communication.
Sarah Hills, LPC, CAS, CAI, has a master’s degree in community counseling and the certification required by the state of Colorado as a certified addictions specialist at the supervisory level. She is also a certified ARISE® Interventionist. She is office-based in Estes Park and can be reached by phone at 720-250-6610. Click here to review her website.
You must be logged in to post a comment.