June is LGBTQ+ Pride Month as well as Men’s Health Month. In this column, I am reflecting on the month with a slightly different tack to acknowledge and honor both.
If you are a person with a prostate, penis, and testicles, you have physical realities that affect your health.
Make sure to get regular checkups, including the standard “turn your head and cough” test, a manual prostate exam, and blood work. Everyone has testosterone; men just have more of it.
Hormonal changes create physical and emotional changes. It is worth your while to get your hormone levels tested.
Your quality of life may be hugely improved by, for example, talking to your doctor about why, as you age, you’re getting up to pee multiple times a night.
My husband — who asked that I include his story — was told that his prostate was enlarged. He had a TURP procedure to shave away excess tissue, and he was back to not having to get up at night to go to the restroom. This improved both his physical and mental health, and mine too.
Your medical provider is the best person to address and help you stay on top of physical issues related to men’s health.
Let’s take a look at some topics related to the emotional side of being a male.
Whether you are a cisgender male (meaning your biological sex assigned at birth aligns with your gender identity), a gay male (meaning you are attracted to someone of your same gender — and, FYI, per a Gallup News poll in 2024, 2 percent of American men identified specifically as gay, while approximately 4.7 percent of men identified more broadly as part of the LGBTQ+ community), or a trans man (meaning you were assigned female at birth, but identify and live as a man — which, again FYI, per the Williams Institute at the UCLA School of Law, in the United States that equates to about 0.3 percent of the total adult population), there are themes that may be familiar to all of you.
Think about when you first became aware of being an actual individual separate from your parents. You wouldn’t have been able to describe that awareness, but you knew that you were your own little person. As you look back with adult eyes, how do you think you knew who you were?
When we are developing, our entire world is focused on the significant people who are responsible for our care. Our survival depends on figuring out how to fit into a family so they provide consistent love, acceptance, and nurturing guidance, along with food, shelter, protection, clothing, and education. This applies to our family of origin, creation, choice, or circumstance.
During our growing-up years, we also learn the “rules” of our family and culture. Spoken rules and unspoken rules. These rules may even be generations old. What rules did you learn about “being a man”? Did those rules match your own beliefs and identity?
Any time we have beliefs, goals, values, identities, etc., that are in some way counter to those of our family or system, we face a dilemma.
In an open system, it is permissible to bring in new ideas, be different, and even “break the rules.” There may be some tension and a period of adjustment, but the family will often be strengthened in the end by adapting to change.
In a closed system, anything new or different from the norm is considered a threat. The new information or differences in beliefs or lifestyle are shut down and/or punished, and people either hide themselves, re-commit to the family rules, or leave.
Here are examples of family messages that I’ve heard men describe and then bring in to counseling to process:
- It is not OK to show emotions.
- Men provide the paycheck and the sperm, and that’s it.
- If you can’t perform sexually, you’re not a man.
- There’s only one definition of a man.
- Being a stay-at-home dad is wrong.
- I’m not allowed to pursue a career outside the family business.
- Physical strength and masculinity determine my attractiveness and value.
- I have to have children to carry on the family name.
- I can’t go against the religious practices in my family.
- Asking for help is weak. I have to do things on my own.
- My job is all that I am. I am no one without my work.
- Etc.
Obviously, we also learn an abundance of wonderful messages that we choose to incorporate and pass on to the next generation. We struggle when those messages aren’t a fit for us. When that happens, it can be vital to connect with others in a safe way where we do fit. That doesn’t mean we automatically have to disconnect from our systems; in fact, that may be more damaging. Sometimes it is the best course, but we are bringing in additional support.
If you are struggling, please reach out. You are not alone.
Sarah Hills, LPC, CAS, CAI, has a master’s degree in community counseling and the certification required by the state of Colorado as a certified addictions specialist at the supervisory level. She is also a certified ARISE® Interventionist. She is office-based in Estes Park and can be reached by phone at 720-250-6610. Click here to review her website.
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