Graphic Illustration/Estes Valley Voice

Welcome to spring. I want to follow up on the topic of how to talk to people when we’re concerned about them. In my last article, the theme was having the willingness and courage to look inside and assess what concerns you might have about yourself. 

It takes equal willingness and courage to talk to and hear others.

In my book club, we have been reading Mark Yaconelli’s “Between the Listening and the Telling: How Stories Can Save Us.” That’s quite a claim, but it speaks to the underlying awareness that being willing to directly talk with and listen to each other is what saves us. 

If you’ve been reading these columns, you will have heard me repeatedly say that connection is protection. Putting aside our fears and defenses is much easier to do when we believe, through our history, that someone truly cares about us. I am not going to care about or hear someone’s concerns or observations if I don’t believe they value me in return.

Now, let’s move on to basic communication tools. If you were to Google “fair fighting rules,” you would find some basic ground rules for having safe conversations.

For our purposes, we are just going to use these tools for engaging in meaningful interactions. These guidelines should apply to any communications we may have, and treating emotional conversations as though you’re preparing for a “fight” sets both you and the other person up for potential negative outcomes.

Basic principles for having these kinds of talks include:

  • Invite the person to talk with you and set up a time to do so. If they say “no,” then ask when will work for them.
  • Stick to one topic at a time.
  • Give specific examples you have observed about why you’re concerned.
  • Use “I feel” statements. For example, “I feel hurt and unimportant when I see you spending evenings primarily on your phone.” And, saying “I feel that you…” is just a “you” statement with a pretty bow on it.
  • No blaming or shaming language. Usually, these show up as “you” statements, such as, “You getting stoned every night makes you a terrible parent,” and will immediately escalate people.
  • No violence or threats of any kind. Physical, verbal, or emotional.
  • Build in an agreement for a time-out if one of you strays from the rules. This needs to be honored right then with no parting shots or “one more thing first.”
  • If you do take a break, you must return within a set time on the same day to continue.
  • Have a specific request to resolve or make progress on the issue. For example, “Please go to the doctor and have that lump in your breast checked. I know it’s scary. I’ll go with you if that would help. I love you too much not to ask you to take care of yourself.”
  • Change any expectations you might have about winning the argument or it having been a successful conversation only if the other person says you’re “right.”

Some caveats to be aware of:

  • If the situation you’re trying to resolve includes abuse, rage, or violence, consult with an expert first. Do not put yourself in danger.
  • If you have had conversations on your own with no or inadequate change, bring in more people. Talking one-on-one can perpetuate long-standing dynamics and make us deaf to those closest to us. Consider bringing in a professional as well.
  • Get your own support around doing things differently yourself. It’s common and understandable for people to say, “This is their issue, so why do I have to work on myself? or “I’m not the one drinking too much.” There are many reasons for getting your own support. One is that when one person is hurting, those around them are hurting. Another is that when everyone in a family, relationship, or system does their own work, the ability of the individual to heal and maintain health is immensely improved.
  • When we don’t seek support for addressing our own fears, anger, grief, lack of trust, betrayal, etc., we will likely continue to suffer even if our person does make the changes we ask. We may, then, unconsciously sabotage their recovery because we’re so used to the old ways. 

When we focus on changing our own behaviors, we put the reins of control back in our hands. And, by the way, it’s one of the most effective ways to effect change in others.

Sarah Hills, LPC, CAS, CAI, has a master’s degree in community counseling and the certification required by the state of Colorado as a certified addictions specialist at the supervisory level. She is also a certified ARISE® Interventionist. She is office-based in Estes Park and can be reached by phone at 720-250-6610. Click here to review her website.