As we approach Feb. 14, Valentine’s Day, it seems appropriate to use this column to think about love.
Whether you celebrate Valentine’s Day or view it as just a marketing ploy, it does have significant associations for many people.
The money people believe they need to spend to show their love is a regular topic in the news, with many sources noting that we spend nearly $200 per person on Valentine’s Day. However, there are so many more ways to show love for those around us without spending a dime, and they will have a much greater and longer-lasting impact.
Typically, the first thing that happens when a child is born is that they are placed on the mother’s abdomen or chest for skin-to-skin contact. Babies are cradled in their families’ arms and snuggled tightly, allowing them to breathe in their parents’ smells and be close enough to see their blurry faces.
When you look at the research on Attachment Theory, you will see that securely attached children result from consistent, warm, emotionally responsive, and available caregivers who are attuned to the child’s needs and welfare.
If it seems I’ve gotten off track from the topic of love, I want you to stop and think about when you’ve felt the most loved. I have no doubt that those times will include you feeling the security of being consistently seen and fully accepted for who you are, while also experiencing warm and safe attunement to your needs.
Instead of buying a giant box of chocolates for your partner, spouse, friend, neighbor, child, or still-to-be-defined love interest this Valentine’s Day, try offering them something that shows you really see them; that you’re paying attention.
And even though there is a lot of emphasis on Valentine’s Day for romance, let’s instead think back to when kids would take Valentine’s cards to school and give them to all their classmates. The intention was to promote kindness and friendship. It is an early lesson about the power of offering these gifts to others.
I believe that kindness and friendship are core principles of love. What is your definition of love? Here are a few definitions for you to consider:
Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines love, in part, as:
“A strong affection arising from kinship, personal ties, sexual attraction, or deep admiration/benevolence. It encompasses warm attachment, devotion, and the object of such devotion.”
From Brené Brown’s research as summarized in her book “The Atlas of the Heart”:
“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.
“Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can be cultivated between two people only when it exists within each one of them — we can love others only as much as we love ourselves.
“Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can survive these injuries only if they’re acknowledged, healed, and rare.”
Erich Fromm says:
“Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence.”
Thich Nhat Hanh says:
“When you love someone, you have to offer that person the best you have. The best thing we can offer another person is our true presence.”
And, finally, John Lennon says:
“We’ve got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can’t just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it’s going to get on by itself. You’ve got to keep watering it. You’ve got to really look after it and nurture it.”
As you can see, love is complex and requires vulnerability and consistent action. It is not something that you offer or receive on a single day in February. There are many people who are feeling alone, forgotten, and unloved. This can be particularly painful on Valentine’s Day. If this is a difficult day for you, for whatever reason, see if there is someone to whom you might offer kindness and friendship. Offer Love. Let in the feeling you get when you focus on loving versus being loved.
And, also remember what Hugh Grant said as David in the movie “Love Actually”:
“If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaky feeling you’ll find that love actually is all around.”
Sarah Hills, LPC, CAS, CAI, has a master’s degree in community counseling and the certification required by the state of Colorado as a certified addictions specialist at the supervisory level. She is also a certified ARISE® Interventionist. She is office-based in Estes Park and can be reached by phone at 720-250-6610. Click here to review her website.