Hello again, Estes Park, and welcome to the start of the holiday season. Saturday night the Town lit up its festive holiday tree in Bond Park, Thursday families and friends will gather for Thanksgiving dinners, and Friday night some 30,000 people are expected to come to our mountain community for the annual Catch the Glow parade, and it’s not even December.
There are so many festivities that people are anticipating right now. That anticipation comes with excitement, dread, pleasure, stress, nostalgia, sadness, or a mix of all these. In today’s Mental Health Minute and the next few columns, we will explore how to take care of yourself during this time of year.
Something I often hear from others (and find myself saying at times) is how “I have to” do this or that. If you find yourself thinking or talking along those lines, I want you to take a minute to pause and check in with why you believe you “have to” do the thing.
Previously, I’ve offered the concept of nurturing the ability to be mindful of your thoughts and feelings. Notice them, name them, and then approach them with curiosity. This will help you:
- Slow down your reactions so you can respond more thoughtfully.
- Build awareness about why you’re having the thoughts and feelings to gauge their accuracy in this current moment.
These tools are extremely helpful for approaching these “have to” narratives.
I use the word narrative, because whenever we think we have to do something, it is actually a thought. Not a feeling. Not the truth. It is a conclusion we’ve drawn about a situation or event. It is a narrative we have in our mind.
Let’s think about a scenario that might lead one to a “have to” narrative.
Each year, there is a gathering at your in-laws’ house for Thanksgiving dinner. The tradition has been that you arrive early to help the elderly hosts get set up and prepare your specialty pies. This year is even more eventful, as your adult children will also be home for the weekend. You love the traditions and time with the family. You would also love to enjoy the weekend just with your kids.
What choices could you make in this scenario? Yes, there are choices, and you are responsible for them. If assertive communication and/or boundary-setting are challenging for you, there is a book I love, even though it’s a bit dated now, called “No is a Complete Sentence: Learning the Sacredness of Personal Boundaries” by Megan LeBoutillier.
One thing that I will say here about this topic is: You are responsible for your ‘yeses’ and your ‘nos.‘
There are likely several narratives that lead you to conclude that you don’t have a choice about going to your in-laws in the above scenario.
Maybe you would feel guilty for letting others down if you opted to spend the weekend with just your nuclear family. Possibly, you fear missing out on seeing everyone and having everyone see your kids. You might have a narrative that says if you don’t help and make pie, then the day will be harder, or ruined, for others.
Or there could be a voice in your head that says it’s selfish to choose what you’d most enjoy. People might be disappointed or angry with you. Another “rule” in your head, or in the family, could be that you’re not allowed to say “no” to things. We will likely need to revisit that one, but perhaps try it out on something small and see how it feels. It might feel hugely satisfying.
Once you’ve identified your narratives and named the feelings associated with those narratives, take the next step of assessing the conclusions you’ve drawn. Are they true? Somewhat true? False?
Now look at your reasons, or motives, for choosing to go, not go, or finding a compromise. There may not be a cut-and-dry solution. But once you’ve taken the above steps, you will hopefully be at peace with your decision. You will also feel the satisfaction and empowerment that come with making a decision, rather than doing something simply because you believe you have to.
You may still choose to go to your in-laws. You may choose not to. It’s your choice.
Sarah Hills, LPC, CAS, CAI, holds a master’s degree in community counseling and is certified by the state of Colorado as a certified addictions specialist at the supervisory level. She is also a certified ARISE® Interventionist. She is office-based in Estes Park and can be reached by phone at 720-250-6610. Click here to review her website.